UNREAL NEWS--ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS

September 10, 2017

ANGRY NUN

President Trump's Department of Homeland Security stated today that it would build a wall around the Vatican. Until the wall is built, all travel between the Vatican and the United States will be halted.

A Homeland Security spokesman, Larry Moeand said, “with the instability inside the Vatican we just can't risk having any more Catholics coming here. Don't we have enough?”

In a related move, nuns will also be banned from wearing habits or veils in the United States. “Weapons could easily be hidden under the loose habits, and the head-dress or veil hides the identities of the individuals.” France has banned head scarves and burqas since 2010. Other countries, including Australia have also considered the banning such religious garb, but this is the first instance of any country banning Catholic religious garb. Hoods and robes will also be banned in the U.S.

Mr. Moeand also said, “This move has absolutely nothing to do with the American Catholic Church's opposition to the repeal of the DACA.”

U.S. TO BUILD A WALL

The construction of the wall is expected to begin any day. When asked if what the Italian government's response to the wall being built in Italy near the Vatican, Mr. Moeand said, “Hey, we helped those folks out a lot after WWII. Who cares what they think?”

September 10, 2017

SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT MAX TRAX

The San Francisco School Board has voted to ban gender-specific Halloween costumes in all San Francisco schools. Max Trax, chairman of the school board said, “Gender-specific costumes cause confusion for a lot of students. Part of the job of educators is to instill a sense of acceptance for all individuals, no matter what their sexual preference may be. Princesses, football outfits and cheerleader costumes make some students very uncomfortable and it can lead to poor self-esteem.”

Other banned costumes include Ninja Turtles, Kung Fu uniforms, skeletons and vampires, no matter what gender. The vote to allow Hillary Clinton masks to be worn failed to garner enough votes.

President Trump masks are absolutely banned, said Mr. Trax. “Children get very scared by the image of President Trump in San Francisco.” Mr. Trax added, “kids still have lots of options for Halloween. It can still be lots of fun. They can be pumpkins, the smiley face, and cell phones.”

LATE WINTER--MORDRED IS KINDA A MESS

Mordred, We Hardly Knew Ye

FC

So for those of you with even an inkling of the King Arthur saga, Mordred is a relatively minor character in most versions of the legend. Mordred is the bastard nephew of Arthur, who just happens to be Arthur's son as well. Morgause, Arthur's half-sister, lured him into bed (he didn't know they were related, but she did) and they conceived Mordred. Talk about the stuff of soap operas, I can't imagine why television or movies hasn't really tackled this story in a major film for the last 35 years.

Yes, it is 38 years since BBC made a King Arthur series, and 36 years since the excellent Excalibur. Recently I saw a trailer for a new King Arthur movie, full of special effects. So without having seen the finished product, the idea of bright and shiny “Dark Ages” movie does little for my inner child. A series of arty little films that deal with various love stories from the legend have been made, but nothing that tackles the grit and the dysfunction of the legend. Portraying any of the main characters of the Arthur legend as pure evil misses the point. If there is anything certain about the tales, it is that there is nothing certain about the characters' characters.

Mordred often stirs it up, but other times he tries to be decent. But how could he not be a mess? After all, he is the bastard son/nephew of the king. Maybe inbreeding made this guy a sociopath—nature vs. nurture? We can't hope to know because before we can really feel sorry for Mordred he pulls increasingly more evil moves. For instance, while Arthur is off fighting wars someplace, Mordred declares his father dead, crowns himself king, and tries to marry his stepmother Guinevere! (Guinevere by the way, sleeps with Sir Lancelot, whenever she isn't setting Sir L up to fight in single combat to protect her honor. Everyone knows Guinevere is sleeping with Lancelot, but he just happens to be the best knight around and Arthur loves and respects him. So, Lancelot pounds a series metal-clad knights into tins of cat food to prove the Queen's virtue. Virtue?) Yes, chivalry means never having to say you are sorry. Honor, (or honour, as the Brits spell it,) never seemed so dishonorable.

So why not a movie starring Leo DiCaprio as Arthur, Jennifer Lawrence as Guinevere, Shia LeBouef as Lancelot (after all, he was French,) and Justin Bieber as Mordred? Let's have a monster or two, some karate, and maybe a car chase. Don't forget a bit of nudity—just a glimpse to keep the film's rating at PG. Okay, you got better ideas, let's hear them. (My fellow editor Catherine suggests that Matthew McC- fellow and Keira Knightly. Love the Keira Knightly choice, better than mine!)
WE WANT TO KNOW YOUR CHOICES!

The Arthur story is compelling. Mordred is evil, but it's really not his fault is it? (Sir Lancelot also has a bastard son, but his son, Sir Galahad is as pure as snow. Lancelot got a good bastard son.) Of all the characters in the story, it is Mordred who is betrayed at every turn, and it is Mordred, more than any other character, who just can't behave. His mother was evil, his half-brother killed his mother, his father doesn't really claim him. Well, what can we expect?

And it's not as if it is only Mordred causing trouble. Someone is always trying to tie Guinevere to a post and burn her alive. Knights get poisoned, and they murder each other without much reason. The women try to lure men either to their doom, or into compromising sexual situations. The men willingly are lured to be sure. Old Merlin is smitten with Nimue who tricks him into revealing his magic to her, only to trap him under a rock forevermore. That doesn't make Merlin blameless. He is hardly looking at Nimue chastely. The troubles never end. Camelot was not really so wonderful it ends up. But Mordred is the dilemma that can't be ignored. Arthur is too decent, and too responsible to destroy his son.

Maybe that's why these stories fascinate readers. Despite the evil deeds (yes, there are noble deeds as well) the characters are all too human. Even in “La Morte D'Arthur,” written during the Renaissance, which is mostly an endless litany of battles and intrigues, we get a sense of the humanity of the characters. Yes, Mordred is a bastard, literally and figuratively, but the reader can't help but feel kind of sorry for him—while hating his guts. He is Arthur's only child and an embarrassment. So he lashes out in increasingly imaginative ways.

If Mordred had ever written his story, it would probably be akin to Augusten Burroughs' “Running with Scissors.” Dysfunctional, hilarious, and tragic. Remember, the King Arthur legend is the soap opera of the ages. Perhaps five centuries from now, the legend will have expanded to include a whole new series of modern problems including drug addiction, road rage, and extreme hoarding.

ART TAKES MANY FORMS--Nathaniel Barlam

Art is changing. As computers change our life, our art changes too. But Nathaniel Barlam has mixed old-fashion, hand-illustrated comics to create something entirely different. I stumbled on his videos quite by accident. We share a love for some of the same artists, and while viewing some vintage music on YouTube I saw Mr. Barlam's extraordinary mixed media works. 

Something about these videos soothes the soul. It isn't just the music, it is the artist's vision of the music. These artworks somehow transcend the mix of sound and drawings and allows the "viewer/hearer" a glimpse of fantasy. Thanks Nathaniel for giving us a look at your passion.

Mr. Barlam has a few other illustrated videos besides Guinnevere, check them out, FC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCUQZbSiafQ

My name is Nathaniel Barlam. I am from Marblehead, Massachusetts and studied Architecture at the Rhode Island School of Design. I now work as an Assistant Designer for Schuco USA, designing façade systems in NYC. Although my career is in the field of architecture, I’ve always drawn my inspiration from a variety of sources, especially music and sequential art. I’m an ardent fan of classic rock, with some of my favorite artists being The Beatles, The Band, The Who, CSNY, Van Morrison, Genesis and Joni Mitchell. The music made by these artists helped me get through some of the most difficult periods in my life, and so as a way of thanking them I began to make comics of their work in college. I feel naturally drawn to difficult work – my favorite author being James Joyce – and through illustration I was able to draw out a clearer comprehension of what each artist may have been feeling when they composed their enchanting songs, deepening my empathy as well as my understanding that I was not alone in my struggles.

As I continued to work on these personal projects for my own benefit, I came to realize the impact they could also have on others who were going through the same difficulties I was. Thus I decided to upload videos to my YouTube channel that synchronize my still images and text with the music and lyrics that inspired them, engaging as wide audience of listeners as possible.

Now, I see my illustrations as a form of translation and hope that through my art I can share with everyone music they may otherwise find “too difficult” to appreciate. Just as these songs helped me, my goal is to make them accessible to help others in need of the refuge of music.

Since graduating from RISD I have continued to make time for my work in the off-hours my job leaves me. Currently I am working on a new project, which will be my first one drawn completely digitally. It is my most audacious project yet, and I hope to finish it by the end of the year.

My videos can be found on my YouTube channel –

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCI5ppWh9jE9p4bNHarGDrVg

I also write an in-depth breakdown of each comic on my portfolio page –

http://portfolios.risd.edu/NatB

Witches!!!!!!! Let's get serious about hysteria.

Let's get serious about witches and hysteria for Halloween!

I am reading Stacy Schiff's book "The Witches" about the Salem witch trials and hangings in Massachusetts in 1692. Remember, the enlightenment in science and "knowledge" had already  begun by that date. Newton "discovered" gravity in 1687. Kepler and Galileo had come and gone. Yet 14 women, five men, and two dogs were executed for witchcraft, mainly on spectral  evidence (the hysterical ravings of a group of teen-aged girls.)

I'm not going to comment here about whether the Salem "witch hunt" targeted women mostly because women were under-valued in Puritan society. We know they were. I want to explore the hysteria that led to the hanging and jailing of dozens of men, women, and children in the American colonies. It's not as if there wasn't plenty to keep the Puritans busy. Native tribes and the French raided New England villages, wiping out whole towns. Farming, spinning, cutting firewood to keep out the cold, etc. kept people busy. But somehow, children as young as eight were jailed, and women as old as 71 were hanged (an awful death as Schiff describes it) often for being nothing more than accused or perhaps, cantankerous. 

What scares me is how little we have changed. Television shows that rely on "junk science" get more and more popular. Some so-called ghost hunter cast in eerie light claims "I feel a presence" and the public eats it up. I am not even suggesting there's not such a thing as ghosts, ESP, or "vibes..." I question the belief in such things just because someone we admire (celebrities often) say so.

And I mean to question hysteria even in our ideas about politics and religion. I question both sides on these issues. In our upcoming U.S. election, each party preaches Armageddon if their candidate fails. A series of checks and balances make this unlikely. Some of us believe this religion or that nationality is bent on destroying the world. I take issue with those who prejudice the issue with generalities as well as those who chose to remain blind to certain facts. Yes, there are problems in the world, and some of them are based on religion and nationality. Hysteria has no place in our world view.

Well, nonetheless, we will continue to hang our witches despite our best intentions. Our 300 years of knowledge and learning has gotten us only a more lethal manner of execution. We hold up in nightclubs, shooting our fellow man because they are white, black, gay, straight, or clad in the wrong color hoodie. 

When will we get it right?

SPRING!

March 27^th, 2016

Grace DeWolf

It is Easter Sunday, and I sit in a chair in my backyard, relaxing. All about me, the world is in motion. Wisps of cotton clouds glide past only to dissipate in the sky, as if they have succumbed to the spirit of Spring. It's breezy. The insects in the air dance, or flutter, or streak as I stare up the hill. Looking to the west, I can only see one roof-line and the top of the water tank near the Easter cross. This is my slice of California on this day.

Grace DeWolf

Every creature that flies catches the sun and gleams white. Even the crows, as they dip a wing, seem white. The birds sing. The crows caw.

My pear and apple tree blossom. The forget-me-nots have a profusion of light blue flowers. The lithadora too. The pineapple sage shows bright, pinkish red flowers. Up the hill the trees sway and the sun dapples the leaves or needles. A half-mile down the road, the deer may be lying in the tall grass, their ears twinkling above the greenery.

This is a day of the rebirth of the Son of Man for Christians. Despite this, I sense the reawakening of God. It is hard to take on any grief this day. 
The world is too alive to feel disappointment or depression.

Spring is just this—a rebirth of hope.

 season, turn, turn, turn.

And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die.
A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal.
A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Again I don't want to make this about religion, but Ecclesiastes is apt here. If you seek a less religious take on Spring, remember Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds, their folk-rock rendition Ecclesiastes.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to build up, a time to break down.
A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones.
A time to gather stones together.

Grace DeWolf

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is poem about Spring that I love. It is by ee cummings.

[in Just-]

in Just-

spring          when the world is mud-

luscious the little

lame balloonman

whistles          far          and wee

Cathy DeWolf

and eddieandbill come

running from marbles and

piracies and it's

spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer

old balloonman whistles

far          and             wee

and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's

spring

and

         the

                  goat-footed

balloonMan          whistles

far

and

wee

I'm quite sure I can't improve on this. So I will end, with this: It's Spring. A time of rebirth. The world is in the midst of reawakening. Join in.

FC.

Photo Grace DeWolf

Happy Holidays! A Winter Wonderland.

Snow is beautiful too!

All Winter Wonderland Photos by Grace DeWolf.

The Real Transylvania

Thanks to our regular contributor Emila Frinculeasa


Transylvania, the medieval jewel of Romania with its majestic castles, imposing towers, remarkable citadels and distinguished churches as well as idyllic cobblestone streets and colourful, Old-Saxon homes, its glorious Carpathian Mountains – the very birthplace of Count Dracula's myth, still leaves plenty of room for exquisite Gothic tales and mysterious, larger-than-life figures.


Transylvania’s tumultuous history, beginning with the Roman province of “Dacia Traiana”, with unrighteous decisions ruled against its fate by outsiders, the bitter religious conflicts born inside its multiethnic communities and numerous blood shedding events such as public executions, tragic betrayals and barbarous assassinations, all these made an anonymous Saxon writer state that "only 
God's mercy" saved this region and its people from annihilation.

However, despite its share of tragedy and discord, the Romanian province fueling the most controversial historical debates, Transylvania remains the cradle of hope for civilization, tolerance and peace.

Emila Frinculeasa

From "Dracula" by Bram Stoker

I soon lost sight and recollection of ghostly fears in the beauty of the scene as we drove along, although had I known the language, or rather languages, which my fellow-passengers were speaking, I might not have been able to throw them off so easily. Before us lay a green sloping land full of forests and woods, with here and there steep hills, crowned with clumps of trees or with farmhouses, the blank gable end to the road. There was everywhere a bewildering mass of fruit

blossom--apple, plum, pear, cherry. And as we drove by I could see the green grass under the trees spangled with the fallen petals. In and out amongst these green hills of what they call here the "Mittel Land" ran the road, losing itself as it swept round the grassy curve, or was shut out by the straggling ends of pine woods, which here and there ran down the hillsides like tongues of flame. The road was rugged, but still we seemed to fly over it with a feverish haste. I could not understand then what the haste meant, but the driver was evidently bent on losing no time in reaching Borgo Prund. I was told that this road is in summertime excellent, but that it had not yet been put in order after the winter snows. In this respect it is different from the general run of roads in the Carpathians, for it is an old tradition that they are not to be kept in too good order. Of old the Hospadars would not repair them, lest the Turk should think that they were preparing to bring in foreign troops, and so hasten the war

which was always really at loading point.

Beyond the green swelling hills of the Mittel Land rose mighty slopes of forest up to the lofty steeps of the Carpathians themselves. Right and left of us they towered, with the afternoon sun falling full upon them and bringing out all the glorious colours of this beautiful range, deep blue and purple in the shadows of the peaks, green and brown where grass and rock mingled, and an endless perspective of jagged rock and pointed crags, till these were themselves lost in the distance, where the snowy peaks rose grandly. Here and there seemed mighty rifts in the mountains, through which, as the sun began to sink, we saw now and again the white gleam of falling water. One of my companions touched my arm as we swept round the base of a hill and opened up the lofty, snow-covered peak of a mountain, which seemed, as we wound on our serpentine way, to be right before us.

"Look! Isten szek!"--"God's seat!"--and he crossed himself reverently.